Are you ready for this? I have been so excited about this weeks Unbecoming Me Girl! I just know that her story is going to resonate with so many of us. I wish she could come through the screen you are reading her story on because Jasmin Embers is PURE JOY. She radiates light and knowing her is divine. I’m so blessed to be able to share her with you…here is Jasmin and this is her story!
In sharing our story we find freedom and peace. We help lift and encourage others… so here it goes. This is ONE of my unbecoming stories…and it revolves around this picture of myself 6 years ago.
“I just need to lose weight so they’ll stop making fun of me.”
I was 10…10 ya’ll, when I first had overwhelming feelings of self-hatred and felt the need to go on a diet. I called myself fat. I hated how I looked – Everything from my hair and my glasses and my awkward body going through puberty and seemingly getting stuck there. I hid those feelings and kept smiling…because after-all, I was loved at home and taken care of well.
Middle school became the worst experience ever for me. I was very nervous about going to this next phase but found comfort in a couple of close friends. These feelings of self-hate never went away and amplified. I never talked to my parents about it or friends. I just kept trying to tuck them away and never dealt with any of it. To make matters worse, I started getting teased about my weight…it quickly escalated to bullying over the next two years. I feared going to school and went out of the way to get to certain classes to avoid the main kids who taunted me daily. Some, I couldn’t get away from, because they sat next to me in class.
The summer going into 8th grade I had enough. It started by restricting certain foods. Instead of pop tarts I would eat an apple, drink water when hungry – simple non-harmful things that I saw as healthy. By the end of summer I saw a shift in my weight, but it still wasn’t good enough. When I looked in the mirror I saw the same person. School started and I still got teased. This is when the healthy choices and giving up soda turned into skipping breakfast…then lunch, then I would only literally eat when at home because we ate together as a family daily and didn’t want anyone to catch on. By the end of the school year there was dramatic change. I was super thin and the bullies were actually giving me attention and being nice.
Now going into high school brought on even more anxiety. “I can’t go here to a bigger school with even meaner kids calling me fat” so I kept doing what I was doing and some days not eating a thing. My parents just assumed my body was changing and losing “baby fat” I was almost 14 after all. I kept getting thinner and by the end of summer and after band camp I remember buying a pair of size 3 shorts and weighed 118 pounds. I found myself not feeling deprived or even that I was doing anything wrong – it was my norm, my routine. I didn’t even know what anorexia was or that I had a problem. I would binge eat around friends to seem normal and go right back to starvation to not gain weight back. This would continue until 15. I started getting involved in sports and realized I would pass out if I didn’t start eating-so I did…not much, but back to 3 small meals a day.
By the end of high school the anorexia had stopped, but I was still abusing myself with binge eating. I didn’t know how to be healthy and my weight fluctuated constantly. This pattern kept going for years. It got to the point where I was here in the pic… 26, two small children and the smallest I’ve been outside of high school I could wear anything, looked cute… but felt horrible and addicted to weight loss pills and yo-yo dieting in between a crazy schedule. This picture y’all…I held onto for years. I used it as my goal pic just wanting to get back to HER. I yearned to look like this again and to me, it didn’t feel like me until I looked like this again…until I didn’t over and over again.
It’s been 6 years and haven’t even come close to looking like this.
It made me feel upset a lot, holding on to size 6 jeans and other size small clothes. After I had my 3rd child two years ago I pulled this picture back up. Seeing myself getting sucked into this trap. This time I had enough. When looking past the weight I truly remembered who SHE was. An unhealthy, stressed, unhappy woman striving for the wrong things and never satisfied- hiding behind shame and guilt and a huge facade.
Did I really want to be her again? Go back to all these things?
I dug even deeper and knew I could never go back.
It was also time for me to let this time of my life go- no more feeling ashamed for having eating disorders and never seeking help. This journey STARTED when Abi Stumvoll spoke about self-love at Unbecoming (listen to that podcast HERE). But I only scratched the surface and never going behind the weight.
My goal pic now is the one my creator took of me. Confident, joyful, driven toward the right goals. Free from shame and the pain of everything everyone ever said about me, and the lies the enemy whispered to me that I believed since the age of 10.
I finally let it go.
Lying on my closet floor weeping and asking God for forgiveness, restoration, and beginning to forgive myself for treating myself so bad. I cleared out my closets of everything I haven’t fit in years and released the pressure this picture had put on me to look this way or be HER again.
Now, I’m 100 pounds heavier but feel so much lighter. I’m still reminding myself when I get down or not hitting my goals that I’m ME regardless what the scale says. That I’m more than my weight and loving me will allow me to love others properly. The goal is to look like me in this season and when the weight goes down or if it doesn’t, my selfie looks a lot different. Behold, HE makes all things new.
If Jasmin’s story spoke to you – please share it! If you would like to be featured in The Stories edition, please submit your story in the “SHARE YOUR STORY” tab in the menu.