Coming at you in full force today with an INCREDIBLE story of another girl ‘Unbecoming Me’. I have known her for nearly a decade now and what a precious gift she is to all who know her. Brandice Robinson aka Brandi :), is one of the most gifted ladies I know – she is full of creative ability, her writing skills are fabulous, her heart for her family and all she meets is so big, she serves as an educator in the public school system, she is a Violent Worshiper, daughter, wife, mom, friend and today – she is opening up about a topic that I know will empower so many of us to press in to our Unbecoming…FEAR. Ladies, (and gents) meet my friend Brandi.
FEAR. I am unbecoming fear.
Both my mom’s and my dad’s family trees are riddled with curses of fear. When I was a child, I would dissolve into a blubbering mess if I got water in my face because I feared I’d drown. I wouldn’t sleep alone. Ever. I would have such anxiety attacks in my youth that no one but the firm calmness of my father could calm me. At one point, I’m told, I even feared my own mother would suffocate me every night when she came to tuck me in. Then, one night when I was in a full-blown panic attack, my dad prayed and cursed that fear and visibly saw it leave my body. I was 5 years old. And so, at 38, I thought I had been delivered, that I had been living a life free from fear.
But, I was not free, not totally anyway.
Once I became an adult, my fear resurfaced, but in a much different package. I called it perfectionism. Or people-pleasing. Or self-criticism. These all sound much prettier, don’t they? But at their core, beneath the shiny wrappings, they are fear.
But I am a worshiper. And when I am surrounded in praise, I fix my eyes on him. And it’s glorious. But my worship had become somewhat surface-level. Because the closer I got to Him the more afraid I became. In his presence, I am naked, exposed. And I was afraid of what he’d see. My relationship with God was a mirror of my relationship with people. Don’t get too close. They may not like what they see. Do everything right, so they’ll like you. Don’t mess up, or they won’t want you. Your children, your work, your house, your appearance- they ALL must be perfect too. Anything less is your fault, your mistake. Anything less is YOU.
Every decision I made or didn’t make was governed by fear under the guise of caution, perfectionism, humility. But those were just masks to cover the face of fear so I didn’t have to admit how afraid I was.
Today, I made a decision to leave the position at my school I’ve taught in for 13 years for another school. Today I said yes and cried all the way home. I prayed God would direct my path, and open a door if this move was truly him. But I doubted that door all the way home. And it was in that decision that God revealed my unbecoming.
You are not a slave to fear. You are a child of faith.
God has already spoken about the worship songs I’ve been writing for years. You see, They have no melody. Because I am filled with fear and excuses – I can’t play an instrument. I can’t write music. My voice just isn’t strong enough. God told me when I can let go of anxiety that my songs and voice are subpar, He will whisper the melodies. And he is whispering now that my freedom was signed on his cross in blood, “It is finished.”
So here it is. An unbecoming tale that I didn’t even know I had to tell. I hope it sets someone else free, too.
If Brandi’s story spoke to you – please share it! If you would like to be featured in The Stories Edition, please submit your story in the “SHARE YOUR STORY” tab in the menu